Future-proofing our children

If we want to future-proof our children they need to be equipped mentally and emotionally; they need to have strong work ethic and stamina and they also need to realise that they hold their future in their hands.

Parents planning and orchestrating every waking moment of their child's day do not do this. Parents pushing and pulling, threatening and manipulating do not do this. It reinforces the idea that the parents are responsible for what is done, how much is done and the outcome of what is or isn't done. As long as the parents are “owning” the child's time, his play and his education, or maybe I should rather call it his “schoolwork”, the child is not. As long as the parent is the one dreaming the dreams and setting the goals, the child is not. If the parent is making all the decisions and stressing about the consequences, the child is not. And if the child is not, he is not being equipped to deal with the pressures of the real world, of life. He is being set-up for failure.

So, how do we do it?

We prepare them mentally and emotionally through play. Free play with siblings (and friends) develops resilience, it develops creative problem solving. It helps them deal with big scary issues, incrementally, in a safe space with (and often without) our guidance.

We develop them mentally and emotionally through reading aloud from books that depict characters that persevere and overcome hardships. By watching carefully chosen movies about protagonists that attain their dreams against all odds. And by talking together along these lines, sharing our own narratives.

We develop them mentally and emotionally through living life, with brutal honesty, by example. We invite them to share in our journey of challenges and victories, of hardships and triumphs. We don't hide our struggles but demonstrate how to forgive and to how to bounce back, how to sacrifice and find solutions.

We cultivate work ethic and stamina through the things they love or that matter to them. When they are doing something they love they will push themselves to work harder, work better and stay at it for longer. This activity is usually something they have chosen themselves. When they have a goal or a dream they will be intrinsically motivated and have the work ethic and stamina to reach it. In our case it was base guitar for one, keyboard for another and drumming for the other. YouTube was their guide (read more by clicking here). They creatively came up with ways to earn money to buy their instruments and persevered, even when it was tough, to attain the level of mastery they had set themselves.

They realise the future is in their hands when we put it in their hands. And step back. When we allow them to make hard choices and to deal with the natural consequences; not softening or removing them. When we allow them to pursue their interests but expect them to contribute to make it happen; not giving them everything they want or need on a silver platter. Working, earning their own money, empowers them. It places their future, whether they will have a bass guitar or not, firmly in their own hands. It also teaches them the value of money and the drudgery of monotony or uninspiring work.

And although we step back, we remain actively involved in their lives not by being their dominators, their policemen or their slave drivers, but by being their soundboards, their advisors and their greatest cheerleaders. We do this by observing, encouraging and enabling them to find their strengths and pursue their interests - the clues to their purpose. And when the time comes they will have the character traits required to jump the hoops to attain the certificates, degrees and diplomas to live their dreams, because they will have dreams!

Today my son, the Competitive One, declined Medicine.

Today my son, the Competitive One, declined Medicine and my heart is bursting with pride!

Everyone thinks it's the career to aim for. That it is the ultimate dream of any homeschooling parent to once and for all quieten the critics, the final proof that what we did, and how we did it, all those years was not just enough, it was more than enough.

It is not.

He was tempted by winning, by being the best. And he was tempted by others' disappointments and regrets, by titles, by job opportunities and by knowing that it would make those close to him, those that are sacrificing to get him through university, proud.

He was tempted, but he did not fall.

He stayed true to himself and to his dream. He pressed into God for reassurance, he listened carefully and he made the decision once and for all. And that makes me proud. It makes me proud that he knew Who to ask and how to listen for that final word. That he took that mighty leap of faith to trust God and not the fears of men.That he put winning aside and instead chose obedience. And peace.

You see, the ultimate dream of any parent, homeschooling or not, is to have a child that is happy and fulfilled, a child that is living his unique purpose.

And he is.

You hear it when he talks Anatomy and Movement. When he shares his results. He eats, breathes and lives Physiotherapy. And yes, there aren't that many successful, well known guys in Physio but maybe you should take note of this one. He's going places!

Left Front: The Competitive One

Those wonderful creatures we call Teens

A few years back someone asked for my thoughts on teens, she wrote:

"Everywhere I go I find these wonderful creatures lethargic, depressed, listless and interested only in playing computer games and watching TV and DVDs. They seem to have lost all their confidence and other wonderful attributes. What is going on?"

My take: Some of this could be physical & hormonal, however some of this could also be due to a feeling of hopelessness (they don’t feel in control of their lives and they have no clear vision). And then some of it could be because their senses have been numbed by all the screen time.

The solutions?

Discuss screen time and the uses thereof. We too don’t have a TV but we do watch movies and have ADSL (albeit slow!). We have embraced technology as a learning tool. The boys do Game but they realize that it can become addictive and a time waster. In fact they’re writing Cambridge exams right now and have chosen to pack up their PC’s for a while to eliminate temptation – all by their own doing.

Awaken their senses. Make them aware of- and delight in simple pleasures. Take time to “smell the roses”… together.

Help them work out a schedule but then back-off. Don’t take control but also don’t interfere with the consequences of not following through. Allow them to sleep late but if they get behind on work they need to make a plan. Don’t extend deadlines, don’t cancel tutoring, don’t reschedule an exam. They need to deal with the real-life consequences even if it means going to ‘Varsity a year later than planned.

Encourage them to exercise & eat healthily. My one son has become a huge gym and parkour enthusiast, he’s become the family’s personal trainer. He has educated himself via the internet and has purchased all his equipment by himself through money he’s made doing various jobs.

And that is another key to make them feel less out of control: Let them work, be supportive and help find job opportunities so that they can earn an income and realize a few short term goals and live a few dreams. We live in the country with limited opportunities it would seem, but our boys have become resourceful. They are instructors at an outdoor adventure centre, they do the lights and sound for our local theatre, they house-sit, they teach Phys Ed & Art at a rural school and they save every cent they make. Our creative self-taught musician (some of it learnt via the internet) has bought most of his music instruments & equipment by himself in this way. Our PC enthusiast was not satisfied with his ancient PC and upgraded all by himself. He has since purchased and downloaded programmes to write music and edit photos & videos with. He entered a photographic competition and won his category and also recently entered a Young Movie Maker Competition. Lately he’s been writing music electronically. The Gymer is also an enthusiastic fisherman. He bought his own new bass rod and is making lures from recycled material that actually work! He’s now looking into marketing them for use and decoration in box frames. His dad does not enjoy fishing but he found himself a mentor in a dear 60yo family- and homeschool friend. Bottom line: They have all discovered their passions (many via the internet) and we fuel it as best we can by listening, watching and giving our input. We cannot finance most of it but we don’t squelch their enthusiasm either, instead we try to find more ideas from our side (in the same vein) that might further encourage their creativity. We don’t complain when we have to drive some way to support someone, drop someone off or buy something for the specific hobby. In this way we convey that it is, they are, important to us. This gives them vision and gets them motivated to get up and enthusiastically get on with life. I am totally hands-off as far as our sons’ schooling goes. They have tutors for a few subjects but otherwise they are very much on their own & self-driven.

Finally, it’s important to set the right example and to live what you speak. Don’t spend all your waking time on the PC if they are not allowed to. Be entrepreneural, take risks. Share your passions, your dreams and make them happen. Learn new things, find mentors and most importantly openly delight in simple pleasures!


Written & published in response to an enquiry on an Open Homeschooling Forum in 2011

Why Montessori?

I had a 70's and 80's public school experience, I've been exposed to the 21st century public school experience and we've had a 15 year homeschooling experience. We dabbled in literature based unit studies, we played with a variety of manipulatives, we made learning a lifestyle and we discovered the liberty of unschooling and here I am fiddling with Montessori. Why?

Well, to me it just stretches my knowledge and understanding of how (and why) we learn, practically, a little bit further. My unschooling frame of reference helps clarify many key Montessori principles. I know many people don't quite get it like I do because they have different experiences, a different point of departure.

Let me make it clear: Montessori is not about the didactic materials. Nor is it all about Cosmic Education.

Montessori is a way to unschool practically in a classroom environment and that's why I love it! Montessori has managed to get the world's attention, it's stamp of approval on unschooling, on natural child-led learning, on a successful method that is scientifically based and not just tradition-based.

Yes, I miss a stronger focus on literature and on imaginary play. And yes, Montessorians can get all "better-than-thou" elitist. They can withdraw from the debate on education, become separatists.  And they can get hung up on their didcatic materials and exactly how to present them and exactly how to use them. And they can lose sight of the fact that they should be the salt, the light in the communities that they live in. And they can forget the one that it is all about: the child. They can forget to  f o l l o w  the child. And all this would sadden Dr Montessori.

But I do love the respectful classroom management style and the ordered, beautiful environment. I love the fact that the prepared environment offers the children a variety of choices, that the teacher is simply a facilitator. I love the emphasis on the concrete-, the hands-on activities especially the sensorial and maths materials, and on nature.  I love that real life is very much a part of real learning.

And I love Maria Montessori's heart for the child.

When we become the Curriculum

He messaged me. I could tell he was subtly angry, concerned. My first reaction was defensive.

As I read, I recognized a fierce protectiveness. It reminded me of the feelings that had been stirred in me during a conversation I had had with my dad the night before. It reminded me of the capacity of a parent's heart to protect.

"If she is misbehaving" he wrote, "it is probably because you are rejecting her, excluding her from the pack" and a little further "It matters to her if her pack is disappointed in her". I marvelled at his insight; his wisdom. Then I smiled inwardly, I recognized me. I recognized the way he analysed the situation, the way he tried to get into her head, the way he took her side, the way he seeked the good in the bad, the way he protected her, loved her regardless, that brindle ball of energy he chose for his twelfth birthday but now had to leave behind. "She's more like a person" he once confided and it reminded me of the words that had been playing through my mind all week: "a person is a person no matter how small - respect the child".
He was imitating me and to be honest, it made me a little more than proud. A little bit of me had rubbed off, had replicated itself and I couldn't stop smiling. For years I have been saying that I'm raising them, training them, for life, not an exam. Raising them to be someone's husband, dad, employer. And here for the first time I caught a glimpse of what I had achieved. I wondered, I delighted, in the potential parent that had fleetingly revealed himself in this tender eighteen year old heart.
"I love your heart MY boy," I messaged back, "don't worry she's okay, I'm looking out for her".

25 Things to teach and live

1.Teach them that GOOD CHARACTER is a quality of an educated person, not academic knowledge.

2. SET BOUNDARIES but give them freedom within.

3. Teach them that all choices have CONSEQUENCES.

4. Teach them to RESPECT OTHERS by respecting them as unique individuals.

5. SPEAK POSITIVELY & highlight their strengths.

6. INVOLVE THEM in your everyday life and never stop talking & explaining as you go about it!

7. Give them CHORES, it develops responsibility & a sense of worth as a team player.

8. LIMIT “screen time” (TV’s, PC’s & iPads).

9. READ ALOUD to them from birth & don’t ever stop (even once they are reading by themselves)!

10. Introduce them to the great classics & develop a LOVE FOR GOOD BOOKS.

11. Make outings to Book Shops a festive family affair!

12. Give them lots of FREE TIME to play (cut back on extra murals)!!!

13. Encourage IMAGINATIVE GAMES by providing “dress-up” stuff.

14. Encourage CONSTRUCTION GAMES by providing them with their own tools, nails, wood, rope and wheels (from second hand shops!)

15. Take time to PLAY WITH THEM. Introduce lots of puzzles and board games to build basic maths skills & family-togetherness.

16. BAKE & COOK TOGETHER, it helps with fine motor development, maths skills and an appreciation for good food.

17. Go on DISCOVERY EXPEDITIONS (nature walks) together. Bring home your finds and research them!

18. Make the most of your HOLIDAYS – they can be wonderful educational fieldtrips!

19. Seize the TEACHABLE MOMENTS! Live life deliberately instead of just letting it happen!

20. ENCOURAGE CURIOSITY and a questioning mind. Never squelch it with a silly answer.

21. Give them a SAFE PLACE to experiment & learn from their mistakes. Encourage them to take risks!

22. Really LISTEN to them and help them follow their interests & develop their passions.

23. Help them develop A SENSE OF PURPOSE, it leads to inward driven learners.

24. Support & encourage their ENTREPRENEURAL ideas.

25. EAT TOGETHER and share your days' highs & lows.

LIVE and be present in every moment!

Thank you, gracious friends!

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