Future-proofing our children

If we want to future-proof our children they need to be equipped mentally and emotionally; they need to have strong work ethic and stamina and they also need to realise that they hold their future in their hands.

Parents planning and orchestrating every waking moment of their child's day do not do this. Parents pushing and pulling, threatening and manipulating do not do this. It reinforces the idea that the parents are responsible for what is done, how much is done and the outcome of what is or isn't done. As long as the parents are “owning” the child's time, his play and his education, or maybe I should rather call it his “schoolwork”, the child is not. As long as the parent is the one dreaming the dreams and setting the goals, the child is not. If the parent is making all the decisions and stressing about the consequences, the child is not. And if the child is not, he is not being equipped to deal with the pressures of the real world, of life. He is being set-up for failure.

So, how do we do it?

We prepare them mentally and emotionally through play. Free play with siblings (and friends) develops resilience, it develops creative problem solving. It helps them deal with big scary issues, incrementally, in a safe space with (and often without) our guidance.

We develop them mentally and emotionally through reading aloud from books that depict characters that persevere and overcome hardships. By watching carefully chosen movies about protagonists that attain their dreams against all odds. And by talking together along these lines, sharing our own narratives.

We develop them mentally and emotionally through living life, with brutal honesty, by example. We invite them to share in our journey of challenges and victories, of hardships and triumphs. We don't hide our struggles but demonstrate how to forgive and to how to bounce back, how to sacrifice and find solutions.

We cultivate work ethic and stamina through the things they love or that matter to them. When they are doing something they love they will push themselves to work harder, work better and stay at it for longer. This activity is usually something they have chosen themselves. When they have a goal or a dream they will be intrinsically motivated and have the work ethic and stamina to reach it. In our case it was base guitar for one, keyboard for another and drumming for the other. YouTube was their guide (read more by clicking here). They creatively came up with ways to earn money to buy their instruments and persevered, even when it was tough, to attain the level of mastery they had set themselves.

They realise the future is in their hands when we put it in their hands. And step back. When we allow them to make hard choices and to deal with the natural consequences; not softening or removing them. When we allow them to pursue their interests but expect them to contribute to make it happen; not giving them everything they want or need on a silver platter. Working, earning their own money, empowers them. It places their future, whether they will have a bass guitar or not, firmly in their own hands. It also teaches them the value of money and the drudgery of monotony or uninspiring work.

And although we step back, we remain actively involved in their lives not by being their dominators, their policemen or their slave drivers, but by being their soundboards, their advisors and their greatest cheerleaders. We do this by observing, encouraging and enabling them to find their strengths and pursue their interests - the clues to their purpose. And when the time comes they will have the character traits required to jump the hoops to attain the certificates, degrees and diplomas to live their dreams, because they will have dreams!

Those wonderful creatures we call Teens

A few years back someone asked for my thoughts on teens, she wrote:

"Everywhere I go I find these wonderful creatures lethargic, depressed, listless and interested only in playing computer games and watching TV and DVDs. They seem to have lost all their confidence and other wonderful attributes. What is going on?"

My take: Some of this could be physical & hormonal, however some of this could also be due to a feeling of hopelessness (they don’t feel in control of their lives and they have no clear vision). And then some of it could be because their senses have been numbed by all the screen time.

The solutions?

Discuss screen time and the uses thereof. We too don’t have a TV but we do watch movies and have ADSL (albeit slow!). We have embraced technology as a learning tool. The boys do Game but they realize that it can become addictive and a time waster. In fact they’re writing Cambridge exams right now and have chosen to pack up their PC’s for a while to eliminate temptation – all by their own doing.

Awaken their senses. Make them aware of- and delight in simple pleasures. Take time to “smell the roses”… together.

Help them work out a schedule but then back-off. Don’t take control but also don’t interfere with the consequences of not following through. Allow them to sleep late but if they get behind on work they need to make a plan. Don’t extend deadlines, don’t cancel tutoring, don’t reschedule an exam. They need to deal with the real-life consequences even if it means going to ‘Varsity a year later than planned.

Encourage them to exercise & eat healthily. My one son has become a huge gym and parkour enthusiast, he’s become the family’s personal trainer. He has educated himself via the internet and has purchased all his equipment by himself through money he’s made doing various jobs.

And that is another key to make them feel less out of control: Let them work, be supportive and help find job opportunities so that they can earn an income and realize a few short term goals and live a few dreams. We live in the country with limited opportunities it would seem, but our boys have become resourceful. They are instructors at an outdoor adventure centre, they do the lights and sound for our local theatre, they house-sit, they teach Phys Ed & Art at a rural school and they save every cent they make. Our creative self-taught musician (some of it learnt via the internet) has bought most of his music instruments & equipment by himself in this way. Our PC enthusiast was not satisfied with his ancient PC and upgraded all by himself. He has since purchased and downloaded programmes to write music and edit photos & videos with. He entered a photographic competition and won his category and also recently entered a Young Movie Maker Competition. Lately he’s been writing music electronically. The Gymer is also an enthusiastic fisherman. He bought his own new bass rod and is making lures from recycled material that actually work! He’s now looking into marketing them for use and decoration in box frames. His dad does not enjoy fishing but he found himself a mentor in a dear 60yo family- and homeschool friend. Bottom line: They have all discovered their passions (many via the internet) and we fuel it as best we can by listening, watching and giving our input. We cannot finance most of it but we don’t squelch their enthusiasm either, instead we try to find more ideas from our side (in the same vein) that might further encourage their creativity. We don’t complain when we have to drive some way to support someone, drop someone off or buy something for the specific hobby. In this way we convey that it is, they are, important to us. This gives them vision and gets them motivated to get up and enthusiastically get on with life. I am totally hands-off as far as our sons’ schooling goes. They have tutors for a few subjects but otherwise they are very much on their own & self-driven.

Finally, it’s important to set the right example and to live what you speak. Don’t spend all your waking time on the PC if they are not allowed to. Be entrepreneural, take risks. Share your passions, your dreams and make them happen. Learn new things, find mentors and most importantly openly delight in simple pleasures!


Written & published in response to an enquiry on an Open Homeschooling Forum in 2011

An Open Letter on Raising Boys

Hi (Your Name?)

Interesting ideas some people have <LOL>! But good for you for listening and giving it some thought…

You write:

 "Now, about Boys. We had a chat with other parents who HS and their eldest is a boy. They don't think it would be good for him to be HS past, say, 12/13 years since boys will need to be more competative when they go into the world as men."

Mmmm, I don’t know about being “competitive” but I suppose what they are saying is “Men need to have a backbone when they go into the world as men”. I can agree with that. That would be one of your long term goals that in our family is slapped under “We are raising somebody’s husband, father and employer/employee and for that he needs among others…some backbone!”

Firstly, I don’t agree that school is a healthy place to grow back-bone (and definitely not during the very vulnerable teen years). Teens are trying to come to terms with all the changes that are taking place in their bodies (some of it they like; some of it they don’t) – they need to hear that they are “okay” unfortunately this is not the message sent to the vast majority by their peers. And teens are trying to find meaning & direction - their purpose. I love my teens; I love their individuality and I purposely reinforce it. “You want long hair? Great! How about a “bob”? You want to wear your purity ring on your thumb? Cool, we’ll buy a bigger one! Purple skinny jeans? Okay, what about these purple laces too?” “You don’t want to shave? Okay, that mustache is actually kinda sexy!” I think it’s important for them not to feel weird or different in a negative way, it must be a “weird” that they feel confident & cool about as this also grows backbone (confidence).

Secondly, only ONE of my three boys is “competitive” (in a good sense) and I believe it has bit to do with his Concrete Sequential/Concrete Random learning style and Bodily/Kinaesthetic Intelligence. Competition doesn’t motivate all people nor does it grow backbone in all. A quiet, compliant boy can have backbone too. He can gently but firmly stand his ground if he has been taught how to (my father-in-law has a saying: “There is nothing as strong as gentleness”).

Thirdly, there is very little POSITIVE peer pressure among same-aged-school-going teen peers in public school as they are all immature and seeking. Generally, exposing a young homeschooled teen to this is a sure fire way to stunt backbone growth and encourage negative “herd mentality” (depending on the child obviously). This particular little boy does not sound like the compliant round peg, he’ll probably be in trouble on a daily basis building a group of friends with similar “risk taking tendencies”! The “risks” will probably grow as he does…

So how could homeschoolers grow backbone practically?

Boys need an involved father and other godly men to come along side them and mentor them. They need men that they can look up to and imitate. They need to be seen as grown-ups-in-training (get them to work with their mentors). John Eldredge in “Wild At Heart” says: “You’re only a man when another man has said that you’re a man” – they need that affirmation. They need to be given freedom & choices (with the relevant consequences). They need to be heard. They need their questions answered – we often discuss “life” as opportunities present themselves. If they know who they are, what they believe and why they believe it - they will have backbone.

You continue:

"And since their son is quite strong-willed and competitive with Mom (he's 4) they think it would not be a good match for him to spend most of the time with Mom when he's in his teens. So they plan to send him to a boy's school or something like that when he gets older."

This mom needs to get a handle on this little man now. She needs to get an understanding of the strong willed child and how you can get them to be compliant by giving them choices and making them ”feel” in control.
“You can’t make me (but I can be persuaded)” by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias is a good read!

"When I mentioned this to a Mom who is researching HS as an option for their daughter, her response was, 'but girls will also need to go out and compete in the working world, so shouldn't they also be exposed to peer-pressure?' etc."

Peer-pressure is not the way to go about building character, habits & skills that any person needs to function as an effective, happy person. Defining the truths, habits & character traits that you want to develop is the first step. The next is to use everyday situations & real life to start building them or making them real & relevant! In other words “purposeful parenting” – parenting with a goal in mind.

Examples:

We didn’t encourage our toddlers to “smack the naughty table” if they bumped into it and fell – we didn’t want to teach “passing-the-blame” but that we are responsible for our actions & the consequences (if we aren’t careful & bump into the table then the consequence is that we fall – no one is to blame but ourselves)

We taught respect for the meaning of the word “no”. We didn’t just say no as a reflex reaction to every request. We would carefully consider when to say no and then stick to it (nagging didn’t change our mind) and we made sure that it was obeyed. We however also respected a little one’s “no” if we gave them the option to do something or not. We didn’t nag and change the child’s mind either (like sharing a toy). The reason: In many date-rape cases it’s reported that the guy says that she did say “no” but he was sure she actually meant “yes”. In our home no is no, not maybe.

We taught our boys that girls are to be protected & helped. At Sunday School the boys and girls used to split up and the boys would play mean pranks on the girls. I encouraged my boys not to be part of it but to protect the girls instead. It became a fun game as they had to stay one step ahead to intercept…

One of my goals has been to teach my boys to “take pleasure in the simple things” like the first leaves in Spring, a beautiful sunset, the smell of freshly roasted coffee because I believe that if they can find contentment in little things they will find contentment wherever they find themselves one day “out there”.

And of course I’ve taught them to cook up a storm – no potential husband should not be able to do this ;-)))

~Adèle (Officially HS’ing Boys since 1999)

Written and published in response to an enquiry on an Open Homeschooling Forum in 2010